Well here I am the first day of babbling uncontrollably about my life and we are talking about *drum roll* my relationship status! Woohoo! I am single! I am 21, a senior in college, and have had about 1 serious relationship in my entire life.
I used to be the kind of person constantly searching for someone to validate me and make me feel wanted. I often found that whenever I talked to guys I would get distant and distracted if things took a serious turn and found excuses to get out of it. I always had mixed up priorities and thought that a guy would be the answer to my problems.
Well, here’s a turn of events, he wasn’t. No “he” (or she in case you’re wondering) didn’t fulfill my expectations and personal timeline. I have watched so many of my friends get into relationships headed for marriage and I always had a twang of jealousy. They had found what I wanted, or did they? Was that what I wanted?
One day, I finally looked in the mirror, and I mean I really looked. What I saw was someone who didn’t know what she wanted in life. Her big plan just fell apart, she didn’t know herself, and she didn’t like what she saw. It was then staring at my reflection I finally understood why I didn’t have successful relationships, why I was constantly searching for validation.
It’s because I didn’t have the most important relationship you need. The one with myself. I was so caught up in what other people had and this timeline I thought that I was supposed to follow that I didn’t take the time to date me. I didn’t know what I liked, I can’t tell you my favorite thing to do, where I’ll be in five years, what my aspirations are and who I am. Most importantly I couldn’t tell myself that I was good enough or worthy of the life I have been given or that I love myself for every flaw and freckle and awkward moment I have.
In trying to be what I assumed was the ideal woman following the ideal template. I gave myself the ideal doubts about my abilities and the ideal complex that all I needed to fix my problems and my life was a man. Although hard for me to say, I was wrong. All I need to fix my problems is myself.
In today’s society women are held to standards that are impossible and encourage them to hate themselves through every outlet you can reach someone. The movies I have watched since I was 11 with “stong female leads” were always in the end rescued by a handsome man who then made all their issues disappear. I am going to break these standards, by for once being selfish. I am going to date myself. I am going to stop asking for approval for my outfits, my hair color, my “alternative” choices. I am going to make every decision with the only reason of because that’s what I wanted to do.
It may have taken me 21 years to realize this but in order to love anyone else…I have to love myself. So here’s to me and my new relationship with myself. I think I am going to be the perfect match for me.